A Sunday Night Rant (30/11): Is it me or him?

He’s not said I love you, for a few days. He’s travelling. He’s busy. It’s not a him thing, I don’t think. Most of these things are a me thing, anyway. I mean, he might’ve said it on the phone, and I just forgot. But, I’ve texted it to him a few times, and he didn’t say it back. I don’t expect him to say it back every time, I sure as hell don’t say it back every time. Just, it feels weird.

Is it a ‘we’re finally out of the honeymoon phase,’ thing? A case of getting used to each other?

Is it a long distance thing? A, we aren’t quite in sync cause we’re in different time zones, thing?

Am I being weird again? I’m weird a lot.

A starling stealing chips on café benches. They're very good imitators, starlings.

With the ex, if I didn’t say it back, it was the end of the world. He’d start whining. You don’t love me? You must hate me. Please say it, else I’ll…

I don’t know if it was another one of his control things, if he was just insecure, or, maybe both.

Certainly, I am still getting used to being in a regular relationship. One without a weird power imbalance, one without control or manipulation. But that’s fucking hard to get used to.

Where are all my creature comforts? The threats, the control, the discomfort. That’s what I’m used to. Why isn’t he doing any of it? Why is he so damn chilled? All the time. It’s frustrating. He doesn’t mind if I unload on him. He checks I’m comfortable with things he’s asked.

Like, he asked me to send a video of a song I was learning. I said that’s awkward, but I did it anyway. I used sarcasm over text, something that never lands well with anyone, but, I never seem to learn my lesson. Said something like, it’s awkward and gross.

He got genuinely worried he’d upset me. It almost pissed me off. Why is he that nice?

But then, all the same, he’s not constantly pestering me. Why isn’t he constantly pestering me?

See, he’s healthy. He’s normal. I’m not used to it. But, how can I know if something is up? If something isn’t normal but I’m just assuming it is, because I seem to freak out over everything?

For example, the fact he hasn’t said I love you for a few days. And, we did have a quick phone call today, maybe he said it then, maybe I’m just forgetting. But, I don’t know. How can I possibly trust myself?

See, this is why I think it was possibly a bad idea, getting into a relationship this quickly. Because, I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust any of my thoughts, when it comes to new guy.

I just have this sinking feeling, at the moment. Like, he’s gone travelling, run away, and he’ll just forget about me.

It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s that I don’t trust myself. I’m not a good girlfriend.

And, I’m constantly thinking, maybe I should push him away. Maybe I should just let him leave me. He doesn’t deserve my bullshit.