Obsessively, Unhealthily in Love

I’m getting weirdly obsessive. Not over something big or dramatic, I can’t seem to get over the idea that I’ve done something wrong with new guy. I know it’s stupid. It feels stupid. Yet, there it is, ringing in my ears. Repeating over and over until I want to crack my skull open.

Scarlett Macaws love hard, too. They form strong bonds with both humans and birds, and they mate for life.

I know the sensible thing to do is just to ask him, check everything is okay with us. But, I won’t, because I’m worried that’ll make whatever imaginary problem I’ve invented, real.

Then, I get annoyed at him, which is ridiculous because literally none of this is his fault. In fact, it doesn’t really even have anything to do with him. When he left, I told him I’d be happy with a quick message every 48 hrs, just confirming he was alive, and I meant it. I just didn’t anticipate how loud everything is when you’re alone.

Truthfully, he could take anything he wanted from me, easily. So incredibly easily. I think I’d follow him anywhere. All he’d have to do is say the word, and I’d drop everything; my savings, my degree, my sanity. He has the power to undo my life, and that level of power is not healthy. I know that.

Maybe this is what happens when you’ve never really been single. My relationships have always been intense, even before I started dating. Essentially, they’ve all just been best-friendships, at their core. I mean, fuck, the first person I slept with was my best friend of two years prior. Every partner has somehow become my entire emotional ecosystem, and that was only exacerbated to a ridiculous degree with my ex-husband.

My Gran told me, years ago, after my first breakup, that ‘I love too hard’. And she’s fucking right. She said she had known I’d get my heart broken, a lot, since I was in primary school, cause she saw how much I loved.

I think that’s why I stayed with my ex-husband so long. I loved him. Hard. Even when he was horrid to me. It took everything out of me to finally decide to leave. I debated it with so many friends, so many family members, before I actually went and did it. And, really, I should never have stayed with him past the first month.

The trouble is, I fall in love stupidly easily. All someone has to do is make me laugh, make my heart do that little jump, and that’s it. I’m too trusting. Too optimistic. Too willing to hand over every part of my life. It’s exhausting.

I mean, how do I even function as a human being if all I do is obsess over other people?!

The past two months have been a massive eye opener.. I mean, I am completely alone, right now. I literally have no reason to worry about anyone other than myself, yet, every day, I find a way. New guy, my Mum, my mates. Doesn’t matter who it is, but every day, I am worrying about someone.

If it were just patients, it would be fine. Normal. That is a reasonable thing to worry about. But, the thing is, I am really fucking good at leaving that shit in the hospital. As soon as I close that door, I’m not worrying about them anymore. The people I love? The worrying never lets up. No matter where I am, I will be worrying about one of them.

Maybe it is a good thing in some ways, but it is also fucking exhausting. I hate it. Why can’t I just worry about myself for a change?!

I keep circling back to that same thought, that he could literally ask me for anything and I’d do it. It’s cliché, but I honestly think I’d follow him off a cliff.

That, that can’t be healthy, right? I know that. I just don’t know what to do with it.

Honestly, the thought of leaving him has crossed my mind. Maybe I did just need to be single for a while, learn how to stand on my own. But I can’t. I love him. Stupidly, stubbornly, wholeheartedly. It’s daft, really.

Maybe I should shift my mindset? Pretend we aren’t serious. Pretend he’s just my mate. That might work. I dunno. Probably not.

Fuck, I dunno. It’s insane, really, that I don’t have some sort of unyielding compassion fatigue. Instead, I’m just some endless, ridiculous source of anxiety-driven love.